An Unmet Desire for Love
I never really thought I would have children.. Perhaps it’s typical of the youth not to reflect on those matters until later in life. But now is later in life for me and things are changing.
As a 36-year-old female, there’s a window for such decisions that can close in a few years, or at least make them more risky to achieve. Perhaps, that’s for a reason; maybe it’s not ideal to have a child with an age difference of over 40 years between them and both parents. Mind you, I’m sure most incredible parents are of that age, when one is mature enough to make wise decisions and is worthy of the responsibility. Nevertheless, this is how life goes and there could be a wisdom in the way things go. Or not..
A close friend awoken me to the realization that I may believe that I don’t deserve to be loved. It shocked me when she said it, but then it also rang true at once. My childhood wasn’t the easiest. I lived with abusive parents. They often beaten and scolded me, so my sense of self-worth and confidence evaporated. In my twenties, I had somehow managed to rise above that, finish college with good grades, make a successful career marked with quick promotions and salary increases. That gave me financial independence. Money has power even in our very traditional community that suffocates girls. Money has a voice. My financial support to my family moved us to a bigger flat where I could at last have my own room at the age of 22. I got more and more freedoms until I broke completely free and left the nest.
The new country I moved to was much more crowded and challenging that the one I grew up in. One poor romantic relationship after the next, I never dared wishing to be the girlfriend; the one who receives flowers and is introduced publically to friends and family. I was always the hidden affair or the casual sex buddy. Maybe my friend was right; I’m not used to being loved, and I had perfectly convinced myself that I did not want it. Many times, I would repeat my slogan of no long-term commitments: “No marriage, no mortgage, no children.”
It went fine for some years, and I always succeeded to get over the passing men in my life somewhat fast, as I didn’t allow myself to get attached in the first place. Quickly jumping to the next thing, I didn’t allow myself time to dwell on anything or anyone.
Until…
One time I fell deeply in love and it devastated me when it ended. I got depressed for two years, or perhaps longer. The psychiatric I visited did more harm than good, by reopening childhood wounds and bringing them to the surface. I realized they are still there, unerased. I tried to reestablish a relationship with my family and forgive them, but that didn’t go great. At least for me. Let alone those vegetative meds they give you. It was the greatest offence I’ve done towards my brain. Those things kill your brain cells and don’t help you feel any better. My advice is not to take them! I have read in multiple sources since then, on the damage they cause the mind and body.
My job gave me a fresh start when moving me to a western European city. A beautiful place and a civilized nation. Humans tend to have more rights here compared to the two cities I had lived in before. Men are more respectful of women. That was of paramount importance to me. I wanted to be respected and heard as an equal. I met the perfect guy who gave me all these things and more. He loved me so much it confused me. I had melt downs and started several sabotage attempts to our relationship, as I’m not used to being loved like that. He stuck around, though. I even turned his nobility into something weird in my mind and started wondering what does he see in me?! Highly intelligent, accomplished, rich and handsome, why is he still here? I could not understand that someone like him could truly love me. Creating all these scenarios in my head that he’s hiding something and using me somehow to keep a secret. My mind just couldn’t understand and accept love.
At a deeper level, there was a part of me that truly appreciated him and knew he is my chance at happiness again. He is a keeper and I shouldn’t hurt him or let him go. This part of me kept torturing me whenever I went out of control and tried to sabotage our life together. He was too kind though; he saw through my pain and handled my anger fits in a way that made me so awfully ashamed of myself afterwards. I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve him. One friend said one day with a sarcastic laughter: ‘no you don’t deserve him.’ She’s probably right.
Now I’m with this incredible man, we live together and in my good moments we talk about children. I realized over the years that my sentiment towards the subject has changed. After witnessing some of my colleagues and my brother bring to life their little kids. Meeting them did me repulse me. Quite the opposite, I actually liked them! And they seemed to like me too! We played and had fun and they laughed with me. It was very cute. My brother’s daughter wanted nothing to do with her parents whenever I’m around. She just wanted my uninterrupted attention and even wanted me to bathe her and comb her hair instead of her mom doing so. Yes, it was lovely. I started thinking more about having my own. Maybe just one. Maybe it will be a girl, a beautiful little girl, blond with blue eyes like my boyfriend, chubby baby cheeks. I would dress her up and take adorable photos. She would laugh and smile at me. Soon we gave her a name. Or a nickname, to be precise.
She would be smart too, of course, because daddy and I will do our best to feed her curiosity and stimulate her intelligence. We even thought about home schooling given the less than ideal state of the education system.
We stopped taking precautions. Part of me remained scared of the responsibility, naturally. I don’t take these decisions lightly. Bringing a child to life! Amid all what we’re going through and what’s expected to happen over the coming decades. Is this wise? From climate change to the rise of artificial intelligence and the overpopulation of earth? After all, many scientists estimate that we’re reaching earth’s maximum carrying capacity at 8 billion inhabitants and that we would exhaust the planet and render it unlivable within 100 years from now. Isn’t it a selfish act to bring a child to a world like that? But again, isn’t it also wonderful to be alive and experience all which surrounds us? Even through my depression and anxiety, I would still say that being alive is better than having never existed. Moreover, there’s always a chance that things would get better in the future. The world was a horrid place to live in not 100 years ago, and just when we thought we hit a rock bottom, life started improving at an amazing speed.
I inquired from my friends with kids who were about my age or a little older. I told them I have mixed feelings about having children and wanted their advice. Most of them said that even if I had the slightest hint, this is something I want, then I should go for it. Because it will only get harder from mid-thirties on, for both men and women. Should I would want a baby in the medium future and I’m no longer able to have one, I would regret it, they said.
My boyfriend and I were off contraception for about 6 months, and yet nothing has happened. My period was late once, I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. I felt disappointed. I considered getting ourselves tested. After all, we don’t know our current reproduction capacity. He never had any kids, and I got pregnant only once before, some 8 years ago. I ended it as soon as I became aware of it, since it wasn’t a planned one.
When we were so close to go ahead with the testing plan, something happened. I was late and I could sense some changes in my body. This time was different. I forced myself to wait several more days before testing in order to increase the accuracy of the reading. On one evening I couldn’t get hold of myself anymore, and I tried it. It showed 3+ weeks! I felt so nervous and excited; we were both shivering and then the question hit me: where do I start? I don’t know the first thing about pregnancy.. What am I supposed to eat or not eat? When should I see a doctor and which doctor I have to search for? That changed within 3 days, as I had skimmed everything I could find on the internet about pregnancy. There was a precious app that had every topic covered by several articles from medical specialists. That app turned into my daily companion. I’ve visited a doctor, and we both saw our baby on the ultrasound screen for the first time. Then it was very real. We were trembling when we left the clinic.
We took note of the analyses we must perform over the coming weeks to ensure the baby is fine. We told my boyfriend’s family over Christmas. His parents were in tears. I too let my feelings out and couldn’t help crying. They were over the moon and started discussing where to place the crib in their house for when the baby visits. My boyfriend and I went to a vacation island over the new year’s holiday since we figured it may be our last opportunity for a trip. As me getting too big to travel or the baby arriving in the middle of summer would mean no summer holidays this year and no winter break either to follow.
We arranged to have one of the due tests while we were on the island. The best timing for this type of scan is exactly week 11/12 of pregnancy coincided while we were over there. Scan done, results were borderline normal. The doctor requested further blood analysis. We did that too, but not believing for a second anything would be wrong. Few days later the lab sent their report. There was a massive red bar in the middle of a chart with the words ‘very high risk’ next to it. The call from the doctor came immediately, urging us to do further invasive testing that very week or next for a certain diagnosis. The results meant our baby was at very high risk of having Trisomy 21- that is Down syndrome.
We did forensic reading about the subject and realized that Down syndrome is the most common genetic disorder in humans. The only known risk factor is the mother’s age at pregnancy. The chances increase from 1 in 350 at my age, to 1 in 100 at 40. There is no way to prevent or treat it. It’s basically an error in copying chromosomes during cell division. Instead of having a pair of chromosome number 21, each cell of the fetus body would have 3 (hence the name trisomy 21). This is ‘free’ Trisomy 21, the most common type of the syndrome, but there are two others. The extra chromosome could have come from the egg or less commonly from the sperm. The chances of its recurrence increases slightly after experiencing one pregnancy with the syndrome.
With that info we returned home and did the invasive testing. It’s called invasive as it entails inserting a long thin needle through the womb walls to get a sample of the fetus’ DNA from the amniotic fluid, or the placenta. The DNA sample would give a definitive answer to the question of whether the baby has down syndrome. Another concern was that the test comes with a small miscarriage risk after the procedure (less than 1% but still enough to worry about). Still, we had hope.
In fear, I went in and in anxiety I left the clinic, only comforted by the promise to hear the results the very next afternoon. My boyfriend was there through everything, and he had given me all the support in the world. He is a treasure!
We were overthinking what the word afternoon could mean and what time exactly we would hear from the clinic, until my phone rang then shortly after his, at the worst possible moment when we were both engaged in work calls. We of course rushed to end our calls and jump at whatever phone was ringing. Only to hear the irritating announcement that the lab needs another day to analyze the sample. Again we waited till the following afternoon with little shuteye that night.
The call came a little later than the day before. The doctor asked if I’m ready to hear; it became apparent it was going to bad news; I put her on speaker for my boyfriend to hear. And bad news it was. I made an immense effort not to cry audibly. My boyfriend’s hand was on my back in great compassion, but it made my tears run more plentiful. I could not concentrate through half of the information she was giving, but I was already familiar with the explanations and consequences of the condition. We had to sit down and listen to what happens next as we communicated the decision we had made earlier, to end the pregnancy.
It was absolutely a very hard decision. We concluded it’s not fair to bring a child to a sickness ridden, hard, short life. This was our line of thinking and our decision, that of course only applies to us. It’s not meant to say anything about the many parents faced with the same tough situation and who may have totally different views and choose otherwise.
The doctor said that, at my stage of pregnancy, no medical professional in our city would do other than abortion by induced labor. She offered to book me an appointment at a public hospital and explained the process. It sounded incredibly scary, pretty much like going through the delivery pain for two days. We asked for a day or so to think about it. She hinted at other countries where it would still be possible to do simpler procedures till a couple of more weeks.
At the end of the call, she asked: well you mentioned you wanted to know the gender of the baby after the test, do you still want to know? I stupidly and reflexively said yes. It’s a female, she said. I broke into a sob that I tried to choke down my throat and hastily ended the call, so I can finally weep. My boyfriend held me and said I shouldn’t have asked. It felt as if the girl we dreamt about and named had died. He hugged me and cried, saying he doesn’t want this to happen to me. It made me more emotional. It was a rough day. By the next morning, he had figured out exactly what we were going to do and arranged a trip to Amsterdam.
The abortion clinic policies did not permit him to accompany me in. I was scared and in pain due to the dilation pills they’d given me to facilitate the procedure. The staff were compassionate though and tried to comfort and assure me everything was going to be alright.
I woke up from the anesthesia and sensed a bit of pain and dizziness, but those faded rather quickly and I could sit up for some food and water. Then I walked out to meet my boyfriend, who came to pick me up. He hugged me in relief to see that I was doing ok. I wrote a couple of messages to concerned friends it went fine. And then I noticed so many messages on my family chat group. My parents weren’t very supportive of me getting pregnant before marriage, or at least so I felt. My younger brother is married and already has a cute little girl. His wife was pregnant again, as I had recently learned, probably around the same period I was. Only my mom knew I was pregnant and I’m sure she told my dad, but he kept pretending not to know for his pride’s sake, probably. I delayed telling the rest of the family as they’re not as open-minded as one would wish. There they were on the chat, photos and videos of my brother’s family gender reveal party. They were so happy, holding each other, announced it was a girl. It brought me down to tears. I was again sobbing so hard that my boyfriend left a work call and came to see what was going on. Surely I was so happy for my brother and sent him and his wife my sincerest congratulations. I could not help but feel however the irony of the situation. And although I’m not a believer in karma, I wondered for a moment what would I have done wrong for this to happen to me?
We returned home the following day.
I did not know what to think. Did it happen to our baby because of something wrong we did during the pregnancy? Was it me? Did I choose a partner I’m not compatible with? I started having all evil, paranoid thoughts. It’s typical of human nature to seek reasons where there are none. I told my boyfriend that I would never try to conceive again unless we’re both commit to a very healthy lifestyle. Even knowing that what happened is not known to be related to that topic, I did not want to take a chance on anything going wrong again. I just could not handle it. He was fast to agree genuinely, making me again ashamed of my own thoughts.
I felt so vulnerable. That if I receive another hit to my life, I would kill myself. After all, I had a deteriorated relationship with my family, faced a career hit a few months ago; I grow to hating my job but being stuck in it since it is the reason I get to live where I live and travel to new places, something otherwise not possible for a citizen of my nationality at the very bottom of passport strength index. Atop of the little savings I have to provide for financial security (my boyfriend would help, but I never want to burden him or anybody). The entire planet is going through some very rough times. I felt so lonely in all of this as I had few friends left, none of which live in the same country as I do. After the country where I lived suffered a severe conflict, we all ended up in different places. The friends I made along the way had gone their way too. I have my boyfriend and his family and a few good colleagues though; I don’t want to be ungrateful!
My primary doctor was surprised to hear what happened to me as I’m too young for such risk in his opinion. He said that he’s seen many cases of this kind, after which the second pregnancy was completely normal and that each pregnancy is different. Urged that he’d like to see me carrying a child before the summer, and that he’s 100% certain things will go well for me. It was very sweet and supportive of him to say so, but is he right? I wonder.
Have I made a mistake to change my mind about having kids? Was my body trying to tell me something at a subconscious level that I should have listened to? Or am I exaggerating a random event of low probability that everyone thinks it only happens to other people until it happens to them? I don’t know. Time will tell what comes next down the road. A part of me just wants to cowardly leave everything behind and move to a new place so I wouldn’t have to deal with those hard emotions. I can’t however handle the thought of hurting my boyfriend’s feelings. Another part of me really wants to be hopeful about this and move on to a better future.
